Post #1: 23 days in

23 Days ago my life started. 23 days ago I finally started my journey to my authentic true self. Your sitting there wondering what the hell am I talking about. For years I have been keeping a secret. Some closest to me have known that secret for the most part. But for my family, and yes even some friends I have been hiding it. Maybe out of fear. Fear of judgement, fear of loss, FEAR. Fear can be comfortable, it may seem to be easy to just fake it. Fake it till you make it right? I "tried" to be what society wanted me to be, what my family wanted me to be. A heterosexual female who would marry a man and have kids one day. I had never felt so awkward and miserable during that time.

Coming into your sexuality, you know when puberty hits and that love map you developed as a little kid starts to take effect, was a nightmare.  First off I was an extremely late bloomer. All of my friends were already becoming a woman, whatever that meant. I thought it was hell on earth. I didn’t want my feminine features. I was quite content with my "tomboy like" features. I liked getting dirty, playing sports…. I enjoyed all the things that a female should not enjoy. I should have been into boys, make-up, dresses. WHY? Because I was born female, because my biology should dictate how I live?

I was one confused kid…. Then I set out on my own path. Away from the eyes of my family and friends in school. I discovered that I was gay, be it a very masculine lesbian, but I hated that term "butch". I hated labels period. I figured I can be as masculine as I wanted to be, I was in the Army after all and treated like just another one of the guys. I never really thought about my sexual identity at that time. I was busy doing soldier stuff, you know kicking ass taking names, yeah right. I was serving my country and although I was in the closet I was proud to be a soldier.

About 2 1/2 years into my service, ,my world, my perfect naïve world came to a crashing halt. I was sexually assaulted. I was in such denial that the reality of the situation didn’t hit me till 3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I was horrified at the thought. How could this happen? I don't remember drinking, come to think of it I don’t remember much of anything from that night. How could I have consented to sex with a man, I was GAY. I didn’t report the assault, again Fear creeped in. I was scared I would be discharged. See, the only way I could prove sexual assault was that I didn’t consent because I'm not heterosexual. If there were any date rape drugs, they were long gone. The only evidence I had that ANYTHING happened was the pregnancy. I made the difficult decision to have an abortion. Yes, that nasty word no one likes to talk about. To this day I think back and I still would have made that decision.

Even as a lesbian I still didn't feel whole. I knew something was missing. But what? Why am I telling you all of this you ask? Well my sexual identity story starts back as early as childhood. I think its important for people to see that I am human too. I have thoughts and feelings like anyone else. So 23 days ago I finally did it. I started on the path to becoming who I have always been. How do I know this? Ever feel like you have this feeling in the back of your head and your not sure what it is, and maybe it takes some time to get to that thought. My experiences make me who I am today. If you have read this far you may have guessed already. But to put it out there in laments terms, 23 days ago I had my first shot of testosterone and yes I am a transgendered male. Let that sink in for a min….. With that said Im not asking for you to like it or accept it. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. Know that I am here and always will be. I have decided to come out because I want to make a difference in the transgendered community. Why should we have to hide? Why should we be scared of who we are. I love who I am. It took me a while to get here to this thought process, but Im here. I will be starting a blog and or YouTube channel once I figure all that technology out. I want to document my journey so that those who feel like I did have someone they can go to for questions, answers, and support. Whether your transgendered or not I am here to support you.