Friday, June 29, 2018

My Reflection and Rejection

Look at me
I may never pass for a perfect bride, or a perfect daughter.
Can it be,
I'm not meant to play this part?
Now I see, that if I were truly to be myself,
I would break my family's heart.

I identified with the character of Mulan in ways, at the time, I didn’t think possible. I never had a name for it, you know transgender. Unhappy as a girl and the role set out for her because of her gender you see her come into her own when she poses as a man. Now I know what your thinking, Mulan is not transgender what the hell you getting at Jay? Bare with me on this I'll get to it. No she is not transgender. The movie is up for interpretation. My interpretation then and now is that having to live up to expectations of family even though nothing represents who you are as a person. having to go along with their wishes and hiding your real identity because you're scared they may not accept you for who you are. and theirs always going to be this nagging feeling within you every time you see yourself in a mirror or a photo, who is that, that's not me. I don't want to be that person anymore.

Coming out to your family and loved ones is not easy. There is no right or wrong way to do it. Rejection is something we all fear. Human beings are social creatures and the fear of loneliness can keep us awake for days. Hiding who I really am literally sent me to the hospital, 3 times. I was having chest pains and no cause was found. So I went to the next best thing, my therapist. Sometimes your stress can manifest itself in the body, ignore it long enough and it will show itself in ways you never thought possible. Stress, depression, and anxiety can be toxic. Being told we do not accept you as a transgendered man is probably the hardest thing to hear. I don’t expect acceptance overnight. I hope one day all of those in my life can look at me the way I see my reflection in the mirror, as a loyal, honest, and good man.

My advice, it may or may not work, sit your family down and talk to them. Just BE HONEST, don’t sugarcoat it, no sarcasm, straight to the point. The most important thing to remember is to be true to yourself. Not everyone in your life will accept you. Maybe one day some of them will come around, maybe not. I am open and honest with all around me. If they don’t like it, well to bad at this point, I'm tired of hiding, I'm awesome, why would I want to hide that? Hiding led to depression, and like I said in earlier blogs, suicidal ideations. Suicide is the number one cause of death in the LGBTQ+ community. Never be ashamed of who you are, be proud. If your family rejects you, it is possible that yes the people that raised you, may not accept you, surround yourself with those who do love you no matter what. People who see you for who you are.

As of May 22, 2018 (my first shot of testosterone), I will not hide who I am anymore. Come what may, I am a transgendered man just writing a blog about my journey and random stuff I like to talk about it. A friend of mine in the Army once told me something about holding a grudge, holding onto the anger. He said "If they don’t sleep with you, and they don’t pay your bills, they don’t matter." I heard this again from Rupaul, one of the best drag queens ever, "Unless they paying your bills, pay them b@#$% no mind" So to heck with the haters and surround yourself with positivity and love.

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